The Four-Step Strategy to a Meaningful Conversation
Were you ever told as a child to “talk only when you are spoken to” or “this is an adult conversation”? Reprimands like those often made me felt conflicted about what conversations I should join versus what ones I should just observe. I became very self-conscious about speaking and no longer felt comfortable expressing my thoughts, fearing that I would be cut off if I tried.
As I grew older, these memories stuck with me, and I stopped contributing to conversations entirely, believing that I had nothing worthwhile or productive to contribute. What if I said something wrong? Why would anybody be interested in anything I had to say?
My fear and low self-esteem led to many missed opportunities in life. One incident in particular stands out — at President-elect Jimmy Carter’s Presidential Inauguration, my daughter and I rode in the same elevator as actor Dennis McCloud. He smiled and said hello, but I was afraid of saying the wrong thing and completely ignored him. Not only did I miss an opportunity (maybe I could have gotten an autograph!), but the thought of how uncomfortable he must have felt being in an elevator with people who would not even talk to him continues to haunt me to this day.
There are times throughout our lives when we may miss the chance to do something because of fear — either self-imposed or imposed by others. However, it is important to remember: being able to make human connections through the communication process is key to personal and career success. Whether communicating verbally or nonverbally, communication helps provide the opportunity to get our needs and wants met.
In my journey to be a better communicator, I often found it helpful to follow certain prompts in order to build up my confidence to start the conversations I so desperately wanted to participate in. Here is my four-step strategy to a meaningful conversation:
Start small. All new endeavors require a slow and careful approach. When beginning to work on communication skills, I suggest starting with a small number of people in safe and controlled situations. For me, that meant having individual, one-on-one communications with just one person.
Use an attention-grabbing statement. When both communicating and writing, begin with a greeting, opening statement, or question. This can be as simple as “hello” or “good morning,” a general statement like, “I cannot wait until this weekend!”, or related to the environment you are in, such as: “Have you been waiting long for the bus?”
Stay on topic. Whether writing and speaking, there should be a body of information. In writing, each paragraph contains a specific topic; whereas, in speaking, it is important to limit communication to one or two closely-related topics. This makes the information shared or received easier to follow. As the speaker, “staying on topic” allows the listener to follow along with one or two topics of discussion. This also allows the listener to respond with follow-up questions, ask for more details, or provide comments.
Use a departing statement. Written communication and conversation should have some type of ending or departing statement. Without an ending, the speaker or the listener will wonder what to do next! This ending statement should both signal the end of the conversation and allow for the possibility of future discussion or termination of the conversation. Appropriate ending/departing comments can be anything from: “It was nice talking to you. Have a nice day.” to “Would you like to go over to the coffee shop across the street and continue this conversation?”
We cannot let our beliefs or the negative statements made by others stop us from enjoying life. Today is the day to get out there, to push against our insecurities or past failures, and start a conversation. Please let me know if these prompts were helpful to you!